That’s me on my wedding day in June 2012 at Shoreditch House and today I’m bowling all my self doubt and “negative core beliefs” away after an amazing event at that same exact venue. I hadn’t been back since my wedding day and hadn’t realised how much of an impact this workshop that included guided meditation and “Emotional Freedom Technique” would have. It was emotional, powerful and made all the more poignant by the fact not only is it International Women’s Day but N that I met through Frolo, which is a community for single parents invited me along. How life has changed in those 8 years.
From the outside I bet I seem to be dealing so well with being a single working mum but it’s not always easy. Yes I am proud of how I’ve coped but still it’s moments like cooking a Sunday roast for 2 people only when it really hits you and then the trauma (of my life until now I guess) also shows itself in the good old imposter syndrome at work for example. It’s all linked.
There is nothing like repeating things like “childhood is fxxxxxx hard” and “I am OK, I am amazing” etc in a room full of women (and 2 men) whilst visualising your 3 main “negative core beliefs” disappearing into a river for ever to feel empowered. As my colleague T would say “be more Beyoncé” but as the lady said today “even Beyoncé has self doubt”, it’s making sure that’s the least often possible that counts.
I know this might sound a bit “air fairy” but it helped me. When I was a teenager, I was told by my step dad that I was such a cold person, I would never love anyone fully nor would I be completely loved. Shit like marks you and there was a lot more, that’s just one example. A few failed relationships and a divorce later and I can tell you all sorts of doubt sets in BUT I will do my best to stay on this new path of strength and positivity. I just wanted to write this down so I don’t forget this moment. I do love my life and in particular all the women in it, I am very lucky in so many ways but it doesn’t mean I always feel like Beyoncé. I’m closing the door shut on all of that.