I was inspired to write this by this blog that Charlotte a single mum of twins and my best friend’s old boss wrote: https://womeninfamilylaw.net/how-is-covid-19-affecting-women-in-family-law/

“I really feel for you Adele, I really do” – this is what a colleague said to me at the beginning of “this situation” and I think it summarises things quite well: you really feel the weight of “single parenting” during a time like this but you also feel the support, I do anyway. I just wrote “a time like this” as if any of us have ever been through anything that compares, this is clearly NOT the case!

The first day I worked from home my daughter was still at school so it was fine, that lasted 3 days and then on Monday 23rd of March the concept of “it’s just you and me kid” took on a WHOLE other meaning! The night before I attempted to write a timetable and simply had no idea how a school day is even structured, all I knew is they did phonics in the morning and something called “5 a day”.

My first “homeschooling” failure was the fact I couldn’t even find the right section on her school website with all the homework etc. I had to email them to ask! Since then I’ve probably been on that page 3 times. Just like Charlotte mentions in her blog I quickly decided/realised/was forced to remove the whole concept of “homeschooling” from my life basically. I didn’t know how to do it, for example I asked A “how do you learn mathematics” and she replied “we watch a video”, hmmm super helpful. I didn’t know how to make her do school work or how much she should be doing or anything! Thankfully social media (which yes I’m addicted to and heavily influenced by) started having many messages about surviving and not worrying too much about homeschooling, which made me feel better. 2 friends of mine who are teachers also made it clear it’s even hard for them! I’ll be blunt, the parents (and it seems to be mums more than dads) that are proudly telling the world how they are “bossing” homeschooling and how much their kids are doing ARE NOT MY PEOPLE! My people are the mums, whose main concern was the ability to stockpile wine. I hardly ever drink at home but now it’s definitely a daily event. So homeschooling is not happening, she’s 5, in Finland they don’t start school til 7 so that’s that. I nearly forgot to mention that for one day it was heaven. A’s dad works for a very big American bank and they sent me a nanny for a day and it was like Mary Poppins, she looked after A and at the end of the day cooked dinner for both of us, I nearly cried as nobody cooks me dinner. Sadly that night lockdown was announced and I had to tell her not to come back.

What does she do all day then? Scatter everything from her bedroom all over the flat and balcony, do some drawings and watch TV. That’s all and that’s fine. She’s made all sorts of things with her toys and teddies, WOMAD festival, a cinema, a hairdressers, a village etc. Her imagination is quite impressive, however an active brain does mean a LOT of questions all day every day! She has also participated in some work calls: “can they hear me mummy?”, “what’s a database?” Etc The work calls are the hard part as yes it’s cute when they make an appearance but you do have to concentrate and so I quickly came up with the “lollipop” technique. One call=one lollipop and sometimes I keep tv time for call time as well. On Thursday she spent 45mins on a FaceTime “play date” with her friend whilst I spoke to a client. When I have to be fully focused on work that’s when being a single mum is hard because there is nobody else to keep an eye on her, play with her etc. My cousin and his fiancée have a rota throughout the day of who looks after their daughter, I don’t have that so I’ve ordered an iPad. Technology and chupa chups are my co-parent.

However I’m lucky that she went to her dad’s the first week of the Easter holiday. I thought I’d miss her but I didn’t, I needed the break so much after 2 weeks of intense one on one time 24 hours a day. I’m usually a big outsourcer and have no shame in admitting it. I have a cleaner, Arabella has regular babysitters, I use Hello Fresh so hardly have to do food shopping, I don’t iron, I pay people if anything happens in my flat etc. Suddenly no cleaner and my dishwasher broke. There are only 2 of us but somehow this meant lots of washing up because like everybody we are eating at home 3 times a day. Talking of cleaning, when I explained to A that we had to do the cleaning now , she said we should “watch a video on YouTube on how to do it”. For her it was clear mummy had no idea how to clean anything as she’s never seen me do it! I’m not that bad but I still can’t work out how my cleaner gets so much done in a few hours. Getting a new dishwasher this week was like Christmas. I really appreciated the week I had off, I decluttered, did loads of online Barre classes, watched a load of episodes of Billions and worked uninterrupted. It was night and day compared to the weeks before.

I don’t often feel “different” being a single mum except for on a few occasions like last summer at a BBQ where I had to leave early to take A to her dad’s and it was a drama because she wouldn’t leave and I so wanted to just be there with my husband and be like everyone else. I know that will happen again in the future. Lockdown has definitely made me feel the single mum thing, before it even started I found it very stressful planning for it alone, what food to buy etc and I suddenly had a much stronger desire than usual to put an end to this living alone business.

Now I have to finish on a positive note. For the past 2 Fridays, I’ve been hosting “cocktail hour at The Ned” on Zoom for Frolo (a single parent app and community that all single parents need in their life!) and it’s been so nice to meet new people and bring a bit of joy into their lives for an hour by recounting some of my “stories”. Indeed some single parents are not speaking to ANY other adults at the moment so I’m really grateful to be able to do that, if it cheers one person up then I’m happy. Also the support I have felt is heart warming, colleagues and friends that call or check in with me daily, offers of help from so many people. Finally 2 things that have come out of this: music and love. I’ve never listened to so much music in my life, some tracks will forever be associated with lockdown for me. It keeps me sane, distracts me, makes me emotional and all the dancing in the kitchen with A will never be forgotten (I could do with her wanting to listen to something else that George Ezra though). Love is clearly all we need, nothing else matters. I miss the ones I love dearly and know that everything will be OK long term. Stay strong everybody !

I was going to watch Baptiste but I just wanted to add my two cents to a debate going on on Instagram around whether you can understand what it feels like to be a single parent when you are “solo-parenting” for a period of time, meaning your partner is away.

My main point is that ALL parenting is hard and as a single mum of one, I have no idea what it’s like to have 2,3 or 4 children and looking after my daughter and a friend of hers for a few hours will never compare to doing it 24/7.

Now what I also believe and agree with is that parenting alone for a while gives you a taste of the logistical juggle that single parenting is but not of the emotional side of things. Yes you’ll realise that not being able to ask ANYBODY to help makes things a lot harder at home and you’ll realise that you need to be super organised to avoid chaos but you won’t know all the feelings that go with it and the sense of permanency of the situation and the lack of emotional support from the other parent.

On the other hand living together as 2 parents is no panacea either, living with someone who doesn’t help is probably a nightmare and very frustrating too. The grass is definitely not always greener and I feel very lucky and happy with my situation. Nobody knows what really goes on behind closed doors and I would never assume that “standard parenting a deux” means one parent is fully supported by the other (there should be an accent on that a but I can’t find it!).

I do see how all the posts like “I’m solo-parenting this week and it’s so hard, I don’t know how single parents do it” can offend/annoy/upset single parents. We “do it” because we have no choice and personally I do it with a lot of help from babysitters, a flexible employer and help from friends and family and a healthy dose of self motivational “I can do this shit by myself” type of attitude.

To parents who are “solo-parenting”:

-if you’re going to shout about it on social media just be aware that you are indeed dealing with similar logistics to a single parent BUT it’s temporary and you are in a very different position and you might get some negative comments by the way

To single parents:

-come and be part of the frolo_app community

-join Gingerbread

-download the bubble app

-be proud

-remember everything changes so doing it all alone may not last forever

And let’s not forget that it’s only recently that dads are so hands on and helpful. My mum and grandmother were not single mums but they sure did 99% of the parenting and everything house related.

By the way mum, if you’re reading this, thank you so much for spending hours re-organising A’s bedroom before you went back to France, I appreciate it more than if you bought be a Chanel bag (however if there are any rich readers out there, I won’t say no to one).

I’ve no idea what it’s like to parent in a slum or whilst having a night job or 4 kids or a sick partner etc etc but if ever I had a taste of it, I probably wouldn’t make a big deal of it. Find your community, those who can really understand you and be mindful of others’ feelings, that’s all.

They say “fed is best” with regards to babies, I say “parenting is best”, as long as you’re consciously parenting with care and love then it’s going to be OK.

As it is Father’s Day  I wanted to share my eulogy from his funeral a few weeks ago.

Happy Father’s Day Dad!

First thing Dad, more people have turned up to your funeral than my wedding so you did well there! Rest assured that I’ll make sure that in future people will always say 1,000 people came to Marcus’ funeral and Robbie Williams sang Angels. You know what I mean dad.

I want to thank my family and friends, who have supported me recently, in particular Sandie without whom I could not have managed to do it all over the past few weeks. The bad times definitely show you who really cares.

Ironically you were one of the only people I knew who didn’t have a Facebook account, yet there is a group with 170 members dedicated to you.

It is a testament to the man you were that so many people have sent messages and raised money for today. Special mention to the WOMAD crew (in particular Steve, Angela, Geoff, Soly, Dick Vernon, Jack, Stevie and so many more), WOMAD which turns out is not only the World Of Music and Dance but also the world of friendship, love and generosity. We are forever grateful.

I want to quote a few of the notes left on the Facebook page (I’ve edited them a bit) because the world needs to know what a man you were. One thing is for sure, you were definitely one of the boys:

1. “You were a true friend; a rascal; a good laugh in the good times; dignified when times got tough. You were never slow to tell anyone who gave you the opportunity how much you loved your family and how proud you were of them and their achievements. You often wore your heart on your sleeve, which brought you gentle ribbing from your friends and family, but NEVER derision or dismissal. You were – and still are – a truly unique individual who enriched our lives, and will be sorely missed. Thank you for having been MARCUS; a larger than life figure who I’m proud to have known.”

2. “a WOMAD legend gone, clearly he will be greatly missed”

3. “a true legend, who had a lot of fun. I learnt a lot from Marcus, most importantly always wear sunscreen”

4. “Raise your glasses for an amazing man, we will miss you madly thank you for all the good times and exceptional company RIP mon ami”

5. “In a festival world full of characters you sir were a giant. Always on hand for a chat, a joke a 4am call out across site or fist if needed. Old school rock n roller and a real gentleman. The world is a poorer place without you Marcus. I am sure campfires will echo with tales of your exploits for years to come. Rest easy man. “
6. “WOMAD will never be the same”

Nothing will ever be the same to be honest.

How many people have the honour of knowing their dad was a legend, so unique and so unforgettable? Lana, George, Max and Tallulah, we had our extraordinary dad, I know he wasn’t perfect but man he tried. And Lana Banana, you did him proud, you were there til the end, something I couldn’t do and that’s because you’re an Armstrong, we all are and man am I glad I never changed my name. George and Max, you have clearly inherited his physical abilities and strength, George you look more like him every day (in a good way!). Max, whenever I would ask how you were, he would say “Max is lovely”. Tallulah, one of the only full size pictures he kept was of you, he was so proud of you and always told me how well you were doing at school.

He loved us all so much, may you never doubt that.

Dad kept 2 cards: a fathers’ day card from Tallulah and Michael Eavis’ invitation to his 70^th birthday at Worthy farm. These were the loves of your life, your family and your festival family

Dad, this is what I am thankful for, why I was proud of you and what I promise.

I THANK YOU:

• For taking us to festivals and opening our eyes to what an amazing world it is out there
• For giving us all a love of music from Dire Straits to Burning Spear to Tracy Chapman and Tom Petty.
• For a non-conventional childhood
• For introducing us to such a wide variety of people
• For not being a dad like any other dad
• Showing me what passion means, your passion was working at festivals and you made it happen.
• I thank you for Teaching me that if you walk in somewhere like you own the place, they’ll let you in.
• For not judging me and just being there when I needed you a few years ago.
• For coming to Berlin to my 21^st Birthday party, you made up for forgetting my 18^th birthday! Of course, in true Marcus fashion, you made one of the waitresses give me their staff t-shirt as a souvenir
• For instilling in me this strong will to live life to the full. Carpe Diem.
• For all the laughs and fun times: for example when we went to Twickenham to watch England and every time you got up to get another beer they scored so you missed all their tries. For having a mouse stuck in your leather trousers. For shouting out loud at my graduation when someone was receiving a degree in medieval grammar or something “ I bet he’s fun at a party”. Man you were fun at a party dad.
• Thank you for offering to take care of Arabella on Xmas day when she was only 1 month old and just wouldn’t stop crying. Not everyone would take that on, I’ll always be grateful for you coming in my room where you heard me struggling and offering to help.
• For giving me health and safety advice when I was stuck in a hotel during Hurricane Sandie. If there was one person I would have been happy to be with at that time, it was you because you would have made me feel safe. Nothing scared you. You were a true man.
• For some of the most magical moments of my life like standing in the crowd at Glastonbury when Robbie Williams sang Angels, that’s a big deal for a 16-year-old.
• My friend recently told me “you’re amazing Adele and it’s partly thanks to your dad”. What else is there to say.

I always tell the story how one of the only times in my life when I’ve been really irresponsible was when I decided to have a party in my hotel room in Abu Dhabi. Tony Paiton told me “ your dad would be proud of you” I knew this meant it would end badly! But man, was it fun. Story of your life basically.

Now this is the hard bit for me. I know you never thought I was proud of you but I really was dad and this is why. I would not have changed you for a thing, you made us strong.

 I AM PROUD OF YOU:

• for taking me to buy my first bra at John Lewis, I ended up with a lacy red thing that probably wasn’t appropriate for a 14-year-old but you tried your best.
• for having the strength to drive Lana and I back to Heathrow and put us on a plane to France so many times. That can’t have been easy, you were a better man for it.
• all your certificates that used to hang in Brenda’s at womad
• For being able to walk into any pub and make friends at the bar. The dodgier the better. From Rastafarians to Hell’s Angels, you had friends from all walks of life.
• For giving me the courage to walk around my school in France wearing my England rugby shirt that I am wearing today whether England had beaten or lost to France at the weekend. You didn’t care what people thought, I’ll never forget when you came to visit me in Berlin and wore your “fast as fuck” hoodie.
• Once at Glastonbury I watched you with my own eyes avoid a massive crowd crush by climbing on the top of a bridge and redirecting 10s of thousands of people.

• Most importantly I am proud of you for showing us what to live authentically means. Very few people manage this and if I can live even half as authentically and true to myself as you did dad, I will be proud. Needless to say “work hard, play hard” was invented with you in mind.

I PROMISE TO:

• always have smoked salmon and scrambled eggs on Christmas morning
• drink pints in your honour
• try and make you even more proud of me than you were
• dance in the mud all night at Glastonbury (talking of which if anybody has ticket, come and talk to me J), to take Arabella to WOMAD and by the way she wanted to say she loves you Granddad
• make sure all your children stay in touch with each other
• to put my happiness first as you told me to do.
• go to New Orleans where you always wanted to go
• watch every France versus England rugby game religiously for the rest of my life
• To not look back and to be happy.
• And I finally I promise to be one of those people, who has stories, just like you did because sensible can be wrong sometimes.

Very few people can say “ if I die tomorrow, I’ll die a happy man because I’ve done so much in my life”, you said that and you meant it. It gives me great relief to know you died happy and typically under your own terms. As per Mark Twain (thank you Adrian): “The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time”

Over and Out, it’s time to switch the radio off.

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